9 Surprisingly Simple Ways to Navigate Children’s Big Emotions

Communicating effectively with children is a skill, not something that everyone inherently knows how to do. However, it is a skill that anyone can learn. Whether you’re a parent, a teacher, an aunt, uncle, grandparent, or a friend of people with kids, being able to effectively communicate through children’s big emotions is a must!

Every child is different and handles their emotions differently. What seems like something small to us could feel world-ending to a child. Yes maybe in the grand scheme of the world, cleaning up their mess isn’t a big deal but to a child who’s world is actually very small, it feels like a massive deal. They’re brains are still developing and handling intense emotions is incredibly difficult!

As a child growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, expressing emotions were NOT a thing. We heard a lot of “you’re fine” and “that didn’t hurt” all the time. While on the surface these sound reassuring and comforting, they’re actually telling kids that they’re overacting and what they’re feeling is wrong.

These are the tips ‘ve learned after working with children professionally since 2008, what I tell all the assistant teachers and student teachers that I work with. Whether you’re interacting at home, school, or in the community, these do work!

Check Your Own Emotions

When kids are having big feelings, of any kind, it’s important for adults to stay calm. How do you navigate children’s big emotions when our own emotions are escalated? If you’re in fight mode and ready for an argument because you’re busy or don’t think it’s really a big issue, then kids aren’t going to be able to regulate their emotions either.

Children aren’t able to be calm and talk about the situation rationally. Whether they’re sad because they fell or angry because they were asked to stop playing, children won’t verbalize their emotions if adults are also upset. They feed off our energy and will stay escalated. Trying taking a few deep breathes or reminding yourself that their brains are still developing and they aren’t trying to be difficult. They’re simply upset and trying to communicate it.

Check Your Tone

Our tone is one of the most important things when talking to children; this goes for teachers, parents, nannies, anyone talking to kids. They will mimic the sound of our voice and emotions. Don’t be afraid to backtrack and tell them that you’re response or tone wasn’t kind or appropriate or whatever. We’re going to mess up, no one is perfect, but modeling the apology and make a new choice in communication shows children that you care and admitting a wrong choices isn’t a big deal.

Change Your Point of View

When I first started my teaching career, I threw out responses like “you’re fine” and “calm down” when students were upset. I didn’t realize until years later that those phrases don’t help until I saw an Instagram post that said to children a toy being taken away feels like adults getting their car stolen. Whoa! I had never thought about how it truly felt to a child when someone took something of theirs. If my students or niece and nephews come to me with big emotions, I try to take a second to think about how I would feel in that situation.

• How does it feel to have to stop playing and cleaning up?
• Do I like it when someone steals something important to me?
• How would it feel if someone ruined this blog post as I was writing it?

To kids, these are end of the world situations. Taking a few seconds to try and understand what they might be feeling, helps to put the situation in perspective and therefore allows us to be more understanding while trying to help children navigate their emotions.

Take a Break

Taking a break is huge! Having a productive conversation while upset or having escalated emotions is a waste of time. Have you ever been upset and needed space to think and someone wouldn’t leave you alone? It’s so frustrating! Not only does this help adults but children sometimes need to take a break or time to process their feelings about a situation. If they’re upset with you, taking a break can help them collect their thoughts and be able to expressive themselves more clearly.

Listen!

Adults are busy, and unfortunately, I don’t see that changing any time soon. But, if a child is having a crisis (to them) it’s important to take the time to actively listen to what they’re saying. Give them time to talk and then respond. Don’t talk over the top of them to try and solve the issue quicker to get back to your tasks or the lesson or whatever. We like when kids listen to us so in turn, we should show that same courtesy to them.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

This is the biggest tip I can give. Acknowledge and validate children’s feelings verbally. If a child says their mad because someone stole their toy, saying “That is frustrating when someone takes a your toy away. I’m sorry that happened”, shows them that you understand and care. Simply validating how a child is feeling can diffuse big emotions quickly and make them feel supported and understood.

Control & Choices

If a child is having a crisis a lot of big emotions, telling them to calm down or take a deep breath may not be as helpful as we think. Giving a child choices can help them feel in control and may help to ease some of their negative feelings. The choices don’t have to be big ones, they can be simple like “do you want to talk about this now or do you want to take a 5 minute break?” or “would you like to brush your teeth first or put on pajamas first?”. Simple choices give children a small amount of control in a world where they don’t have a lot.

I Feel Statements

When talking to children, it’s important to try and use “I feel” statements, especially during times of big emotions. These type of statements are less accusatory and more compassionate. Which of these sounds less threatening?

• I don’t like being yelled at.
• Stop yelling at me.

I feel statements inform children, or anyone we’re talking to, of boundaries without sounding threatening or like we’re challenging them. It also keep communication open because we sound less threatening or angry.

Positive Instructions

Giving instructions is unavoidable. Whether you’re a parent or a teacher or a family member, adults seem to give instructions nonstop. However, kids don’t always process instructions at the rate we would like them too. By forming instructions in a manner that tells kids what we WANT them to do instead of what they shouldn’t do, it replaces the negative with behavior with a positive one.

Instead of saying ‘stop climbing on the table’ trying telling them what you want them to do instead. Try ‘feet on the ground please’ or ‘bottom in the chair’. Reforming instructions takes away the negativity (and possibly frustrated tone) and simply tells children what choice they need to make.

It’s important to remember that changing how we speak to children is a process and isn’t going to change overnight. I still mess up when I’m talking to escalated children and have to apologize or remind myself of these tips. Making all these changes at once is overwhelming. Think about which one would be most beneficial for your child and try to consistently make the change. Then add one more or and so one. Practice makes progress!

Check out 7 Impacts of Validating Children’s Feelings here.